That Feeling

So I went and saw What to Expect with some of the Mums Group and had a great time, despite the moving starting past my bedtime and not getting home until 1130! Logan had a reasonably good night though so hurrah, I still found it hard to drag my butt out of bed though and far stepped in to get the little monkey out of his cot.


I loved the movie, it wasn't fantastic by any means but I laughed throughout it and had a few tears in my eyes too. Two things really got to me though, the women in labour - even when they tried to make it slightly unattractive aka Cameron Diaz they still failed and everyone loving their baby from that very first instant. I think the latter is because I'm jealous of that. Sitting in the cinema I even contemplated getting an elective c-section with my next one because I wanted to have that bonding moment and not go through the horrible labour that I did with Logan. Not that I couldn't handle the labour but at the end when he was on my chest I felt no connection other than bloody hell what took you so long! It probably didn't help that I delayed cord clamping and had no idea how long that would take or that my placenta was massive too and having Logan whisked off without a name was hard as well. But yeah I wish I'd gotten my love at first sight moment and I hope like crazy I get that with the next one!

Don't worry I realise having a c-section could also result in me not having 'the moment' just as easily and I still plan on going natural with the next one! Not that there is anything wrong with choosing a different way to have your baby, as long as they get into this world healthy and happy that's all that matters.

Also where on earth do you get one of those bar things that Diaz had during her 'labour' I want one!!!

Logan's Story - Part II

As I said the bath wasn't very comfortable and I don't think I would go down that route with my second baby (yes I have decided we will have a second child but not for a long time yet!). I was constantly after something to grip onto during contractions (and felt guilty for crushing people's hands) but the only bars were near the taps down where my feet were which wasn't useful. I don't know how long I remained in the bath for but I was definitely allowed to push in there and I remember my Mum disappearing for awhile and crying. It was a very emotional time for us all!

At some point the midwife wanted to check me again and I think they'd been checking his heartbeat on a regular basis but that could done in the bath whereas the check had to be done outside. They'd kept telling me he was nearly there and at one point I thought I was so close because she said I had to wait so they could get a second midwife in (something to do with giving birth in the water). Logan never wanted to come out though and it was so frustrating hearing that he was nearly there and going through all that pain and pushing to have no baby at the end of it. So out of the tub I got and I can tell you I was crying and whinging about this because I knew it was going to hurt more being out of the water and because the contractions where coming so close together the last thing I wanted to do was clamber out of a bath during one - I didn't have a choice though. This was also when my water finally broke, nothing like in the movies! Luckily I just had to make it to a yoga mat on the floor in the bathroom, I have no idea how much I was dilated, in fact she may have just been double checking that I was ok to push and didn't have that lip thing but all my mind was focused on was the pain and wanting my baby.

Instead of getting back in the bath (I just couldn't handle the thought of clambering in) I went back to my best friend the toilet thankfully this one was still in the bathroom because, there was no way I could get back to my room. I was sucking on the gas like there was no tomorrow and I know Logan's heart-rate was being monitored because this is when she started to get concerned that it wasn't bouncing back quick enough after contractions. It was also when she spotted a bit of meconium and that was it, up to the main hospital we went. This was also where use of forceps or vacuum was mentioned, I didn't care at that point, I know I should have but I just wanted this baby out of me.

Now if I thought getting out of the bath was painful, getting into the wheelchair and being pushed into the main hospital's delivery suite was agony. Especially because when I finally got into a gown and was in the wheelchair the gas wasn't working. I still kept sucking on it because for some reason just the motion of sucking seemed to help but I couldn't believe how long it was taking to get us up to the room. It seemed so quick when we did our slow walk through during our parenting classes!

Finally we got into the room and all the nurses/midwives were talking to me and I was waiting for the gas to start working. But for some reason that room wasn't suitable so they moved me out into another room - again the last thing you want whilst you're struggling through contractions.

When I was all set up in the other room my midwife and the student midwife decided that I should try to deliver him naturally. I remember laying on my back in bed thinking but this is the way they told us we shouldn't give birth! I was still frustrated and not believing them when they said he was almost there but then I felt him (hello ring of fire...). I focused on my pushing and tried desperately not to push when told not to, I remembered this from class to avoid tearing. They kept telling me to reach down and feel the head but I kept refusing and finally he was out. It was the weirdest feeling ever and I still have no idea how he fit. He was covered in blood and I remember someone saying that was odd and quickly a blanket was put over him. I thought I'd seen a little willy but I kept asking our student midwife and she kept telling me just look! So I finally did and confirmed my suspicions, we had a son.

I never had that moment/shared look with Logan and we had no idea what to call him either so there wasn't that instant connection. It also didn't help that I was still waiting to deliver the placenta. I'd opted to wait until the umbilical cord stopped pulsing before being cut and that took forever (and felt horrible). I never thought to ask how long it would take before it stopped pulsating and I wish I had because I don't think I would have gone with that option. Hubby didn't want to cut the cord so my Mum took the job and she commented on how tough it was. I was given an injection to speed up delivery of the placenta but it took awhile because it was so big. My student midwife was delivering it as well which added to the time taken as well. We were all laughing though because I'm so ticklish and I couldn't stop laughing and wouldn't really let them near me.

Finally it was delivered and I'm not sure if Logan had already left my chest at this point (I think he had) because of the meconium. He was screaming and I told Hubby to go over to him and according to Mum he stopped screaming when he heard his Dad's voice. They called in a pediatrician who I wanted to smack because he immediately said Logan would need formula. Luckily my midwife was amazing and even though Logan wouldn't latch she 'milked' my colostrum and Hubby and the student midwife finger fed him once he'd finally been finished getting checked over. (As you know Logan went to the special care nursery but this wasn't done until later that day thanks to a midwife who kept pushing the doctors that his breathing just wasn't quite right - she was fantastic and was always looking out for me).

The focus was then back on me and thanks to Logan coming out with a hand at his head (and his head being so big) I had torn. My midwife said that it was only a little one but then a doctor looked at me and said I had 3rd degree tears. I freaked out at this and also because the tears could be impacting on important 'bits' down there. So I was booked in for surgery, this is when the milking occurred because they were trying to get someone to come and take me. This is also when I found out I wouldn't be going back to the Birthing Centre and that had been my biggest concern because I had no idea what would happen from here (and it really was a mess re: my follow up care).

When they wheeled me away I made sure that my Mum and Hubby knew they could go home because they'd need some sleep but internally I was worried about who would be looking after our baby.
I made it into the room to get the spinal block and the guys looking after me were awesome and wondering why I was butt naked. I had fun just chatting with them but then the anesthetist's phone went off and it meant I got bumped. This was after I'd struggled to sit up to get the huge needle. They were apologising non-stop, I think because we had such a good rapport and the anesthetist's name was Felix which was on our list! I got wheeled in to recovery to wait and found out that it was shift change time. Felix came in after he'd finished the emergency surgery to say goodbye (which was really sweet) as he had finished his shift but he promised the next anesthetist would be great. This was funny because my father-in-law is a well know anesthetist in Perth but I didn't tell anyone. At this point my midwife popped back in and milked me again and Logan (along with Hubby and Mum) got to come in and keep me company. I can't remember if I held Logan or just watched him, I think I held him and had a nice cuddle but I tried to confirm with Hubby and he of course can't remember! When I was finally in surgery (yay for spinal block it was AWESOME!) at some point they realised who my father-in-law was and the women who had given me the spinal block and the guy in charge of her told me off for not telling them ha-ha. There was a weird guy in there during my surgery but I just kept chatting with everyone and joking about names which was fun. Finally it was all done and back to recovery with me. Everyone was lovely afterwards in the recovery room but I really wanted to get back to my baby and the room. Of course this happened eventually but it definitely added to my feeling of disconnection with my son.

But now after 11 weeks (it's hard to believe this time 11 weeks ago he was disappearing to the nursery!) I am completely smitten with this awesome little man and I love watching all the changes time is bringing.

Logan's Story - Part I

My contractions (or rather twinges) started on my due date November 21st. I didn't get much sleep Monday night and then Tuesday they were still there. I sent Hubby off to work and told him I'd call him if he needed to come home or meet us at the Birth Centre but that I didn't think it was likely. Mum came over and took one look at me and said she wasn't going to go to her meeting and that she would stay with me.

I knew I wanted to stay home for as long as possible and avoid showing up only to be sent home again! Mum was reading her bible constantly (aka The Birth Partner, not sure of author) and wanted to start writing down the contractions and time. Insert trusty iPhone app here and Mum talking about Generation Y and technology and the whole 'in my day'... one of the funnier moments of the day. Steadily the contractions started to get harder to ride out, I highly recommend if you're labouring at home to invest in a fit ball. Luckily I'd bought one for Hubby last Christmas (because he's a bit of an exercise nut) and it was my saviour when I was in the middle of a contraction, I could just drape myself over it and push into it as well (my poor knees got roughed up though). Through pretty much every contraction I was either on my knees over the fit ball/on the couch or leaning pressed into a wall/door frame.

At around 1 I asked Mum to call Hubby and get him to come home (at least I think it was 1 it could have been later!). He had to catch the train back and Mum was a bit worried about leaving me alone to go and get him from the train station but there wasn't much she could do anyway. When they got back I was most likely in the midst of another contraction, they kept coming and getting closer together but we still didn't have anything following that whole 4/5 minute rule. I managed to have a shower and it did help a little bit with the pain but more made my vain side feel better being washed and 'pretty'. The contractions kept coming and were pretty painful by this stage but they weren't fitting the 4/5 minute rule. Thankfully Mum said she thought it would be a good idea to page the midwife. Hubby was kind enough to do that, it's silly but that was one of the things I was most nervous about doing, I guess because I didn't want to be told not to come in. The midwife was fantastic (& continued to be throughout the entire birth, I was very lucky) and Andreas put her on loudspeaker so that she could listen to me through some contractions. After 3 and telling me how to breathe better the midwife told me that if I wanted to come in I could. I thought about it for a few minutes and made up my mind that I wanted to go in (despite being scared they'd want to send me home again). It took a long time to get to the Birth Centre, not only because we didn't live close but more so because I had 3 contractions which decided to piggyback each other just before I left and I had to manage stairs as well!

The car ride wasn't too bad and I kept wondering what passing motorists must be thinking of me. I couldn't really focus on anything else other than pressing a pillow against my belly, especially each time we took a corner. When we finally arrived to meet our midwife I found out I was the only one there which was great, not that I spent any time wandering the halls! We went into our room and I didn't use any of the music I'd planned on using, instead I relied on their CD which was the kind you usually hear playing in beauty spas etc... Except the CD was broken so it didn't wind up being as soothing for me as I would have liked.

The midwife checked me & I was 3cm dilated - I wasn't happy but they weren't going to send me home. Mum told me after it was all over that apparently the midwife thought I could be 5cm but that she didn't want to say that because of something to do with time & how long you could remain at the Birth Centre. I remember being really disappointed by this because I'd been suffering through contractions the whole day and was really hoping that they'd been working towards something - that seemed to really sum up my whole labour experience really lots of hard work and being disappointed because it didn't seem like it was getting me (or specifically Logan) anywhere.

They tried to get me to eat something and I think I managed a few bits of vegemite toast. I quickly wound up naked and in the bathroom (goodbye vain girl from earlier that day!) and I wound up living in there - it's true, the toilet is a girl's best friend to labour on! Hubby and Mum helped me into the shower at one point and the constant hot water on my back helped lots (although the contractions were still very painful!). I remember pressing myself up into the corner of the shower and gripping on to the rail with all my might as I made it through some - it's definitely one of the weirder experiences, especially the places you find yourself being most comfortable during them!

We all tried to have a bit of a sleep (only Hubby succeeded & I don't think I'll let him live that down) and I think before this the topic of morphine was discussed. This was the one thing (along with an epidural) that I really really didn't want. Morphine always makes me feel disgusting and I knew it wasn't good for bubs. Now this is where I'm slightly confused as the morphine conversation could have happened before getting into the shower because I remember I was close to saying yes because I was so tired but instead I asked to use hot water. I also brought up the topic of using gas, I was surprised that no one had raised this before because it was definitely on my birth plan and I kept holding off asking for it because I thought they would want me to only have it close to transition (something I vaguely remember hearing about during our classes). I fell in love with the gas and I don't know why but I kept thinking about Star Trek and mixing it up with Star Wars and I'm not a fanatic about either of these movies! I wound up entertaining everyone but I think Hubby was still sleeping during this. I think during this time our student midwife showed up, Hubby remembers saying hello to her and falling asleep, I remember saying stupid things due to the gas.

Now I had been asking for the bath on & off but they didn't want to start it too early so I think when she next checked me & I was at 6cm I was allowed into the bath and that was bliss. I'd wanted a blow up pool but apparently they are harder to regulate temperature wise and I still wish I could have used it because the actual bath itself wasn't that comfortable. I writhed around like a whale crossed with a sea snake and I'm surprised I didn't break my Mum or Hubby's hands I gripped on to both of them so tightly.

I'll leave it here because Logan has just woken up and also because it starts to get serious at this point. To be continued...