At some point the midwife wanted to check me again and I think they'd been checking his heartbeat on a regular basis but that could done in the bath whereas the check had to be done outside. They'd kept telling me he was nearly there and at one point I thought I was so close because she said I had to wait so they could get a second midwife in (something to do with giving birth in the water). Logan never wanted to come out though and it was so frustrating hearing that he was nearly there and going through all that pain and pushing to have no baby at the end of it. So out of the tub I got and I can tell you I was crying and whinging about this because I knew it was going to hurt more being out of the water and because the contractions where coming so close together the last thing I wanted to do was clamber out of a bath during one - I didn't have a choice though. This was also when my water finally broke, nothing like in the movies! Luckily I just had to make it to a yoga mat on the floor in the bathroom, I have no idea how much I was dilated, in fact she may have just been double checking that I was ok to push and didn't have that lip thing but all my mind was focused on was the pain and wanting my baby.
Instead of getting back in the bath (I just couldn't handle the thought of clambering in) I went back to my best friend the toilet thankfully this one was still in the bathroom because, there was no way I could get back to my room. I was sucking on the gas like there was no tomorrow and I know Logan's heart-rate was being monitored because this is when she started to get concerned that it wasn't bouncing back quick enough after contractions. It was also when she spotted a bit of meconium and that was it, up to the main hospital we went. This was also where use of forceps or vacuum was mentioned, I didn't care at that point, I know I should have but I just wanted this baby out of me.
Now if I thought getting out of the bath was painful, getting into the wheelchair and being pushed into the main hospital's delivery suite was agony. Especially because when I finally got into a gown and was in the wheelchair the gas wasn't working. I still kept sucking on it because for some reason just the motion of sucking seemed to help but I couldn't believe how long it was taking to get us up to the room. It seemed so quick when we did our slow walk through during our parenting classes!
Finally we got into the room and all the nurses/midwives were talking to me and I was waiting for the gas to start working. But for some reason that room wasn't suitable so they moved me out into another room - again the last thing you want whilst you're struggling through contractions.
When I was all set up in the other room my midwife and the student midwife decided that I should try to deliver him naturally. I remember laying on my back in bed thinking but this is the way they told us we shouldn't give birth! I was still frustrated and not believing them when they said he was almost there but then I felt him (hello ring of fire...). I focused on my pushing and tried desperately not to push when told not to, I remembered this from class to avoid tearing. They kept telling me to reach down and feel the head but I kept refusing and finally he was out. It was the weirdest feeling ever and I still have no idea how he fit. He was covered in blood and I remember someone saying that was odd and quickly a blanket was put over him. I thought I'd seen a little willy but I kept asking our student midwife and she kept telling me just look! So I finally did and confirmed my suspicions, we had a son.
I never had that moment/shared look with Logan and we had no idea what to call him either so there wasn't that instant connection. It also didn't help that I was still waiting to deliver the placenta. I'd opted to wait until the umbilical cord stopped pulsing before being cut and that took forever (and felt horrible). I never thought to ask how long it would take before it stopped pulsating and I wish I had because I don't think I would have gone with that option. Hubby didn't want to cut the cord so my Mum took the job and she commented on how tough it was. I was given an injection to speed up delivery of the placenta but it took awhile because it was so big. My student midwife was delivering it as well which added to the time taken as well. We were all laughing though because I'm so ticklish and I couldn't stop laughing and wouldn't really let them near me.
Finally it was delivered and I'm not sure if Logan had already left my chest at this point (I think he had) because of the meconium. He was screaming and I told Hubby to go over to him and according to Mum he stopped screaming when he heard his Dad's voice. They called in a pediatrician who I wanted to smack because he immediately said Logan would need formula. Luckily my midwife was amazing and even though Logan wouldn't latch she 'milked' my colostrum and Hubby and the student midwife finger fed him once he'd finally been finished getting checked over. (As you know Logan went to the special care nursery but this wasn't done until later that day thanks to a midwife who kept pushing the doctors that his breathing just wasn't quite right - she was fantastic and was always looking out for me).
The focus was then back on me and thanks to Logan coming out with a hand at his head (and his head being so big) I had torn. My midwife said that it was only a little one but then a doctor looked at me and said I had 3rd degree tears. I freaked out at this and also because the tears could be impacting on important 'bits' down there. So I was booked in for surgery, this is when the milking occurred because they were trying to get someone to come and take me. This is also when I found out I wouldn't be going back to the Birthing Centre and that had been my biggest concern because I had no idea what would happen from here (and it really was a mess re: my follow up care).
When they wheeled me away I made sure that my Mum and Hubby knew they could go home because they'd need some sleep but internally I was worried about who would be looking after our baby.
I made it into the room to get the spinal block and the guys looking after me were awesome and wondering why I was butt naked. I had fun just chatting with them but then the anesthetist's phone went off and it meant I got bumped. This was after I'd struggled to sit up to get the huge needle. They were apologising non-stop, I think because we had such a good rapport and the anesthetist's name was Felix which was on our list! I got wheeled in to recovery to wait and found out that it was shift change time. Felix came in after he'd finished the emergency surgery to say goodbye (which was really sweet) as he had finished his shift but he promised the next anesthetist would be great. This was funny because my father-in-law is a well know anesthetist in Perth but I didn't tell anyone. At this point my midwife popped back in and milked me again and Logan (along with Hubby and Mum) got to come in and keep me company. I can't remember if I held Logan or just watched him, I think I held him and had a nice cuddle but I tried to confirm with Hubby and he of course can't remember! When I was finally in surgery (yay for spinal block it was AWESOME!) at some point they realised who my father-in-law was and the women who had given me the spinal block and the guy in charge of her told me off for not telling them ha-ha. There was a weird guy in there during my surgery but I just kept chatting with everyone and joking about names which was fun. Finally it was all done and back to recovery with me. Everyone was lovely afterwards in the recovery room but I really wanted to get back to my baby and the room. Of course this happened eventually but it definitely added to my feeling of disconnection with my son.
But now after 11 weeks (it's hard to believe this time 11 weeks ago he was disappearing to the nursery!) I am completely smitten with this awesome little man and I love watching all the changes time is bringing.